I’ve been thinking about how I should start this post. If I even want to or if it’s even appropriate to share my personal struggles and raw emotions.
You see writing a blog that thousands of people read every day has become a job. It’s the reason I started a menu plan and why I spend so much time thinking about what kind of topics and recipes I can create that can benefit and help other families. Most of you that I’ve never even met.
Although a job, it’s one that I love and one that I know I’ve been called to. Many of you have written to me through tears how the menu plans have blessed your family or how a topic that I’ve written about touched your heart and spoke to you.
As the blog grows, many people have offered up their advice that I should only share so much of my life. To keep things professional, it’s wise to keep personal matters personal and only share on certain topics.
I wish I could do that. I really do; however, this blog is not mine. I gave it to God and so when struggles arise in my own life I know he wants me to share them. Whether in pain and sorrow, or joy and happiness – He wants me to share it all.
I’m sure if you’ve followed my blog for any length of time, you know I’m a type A person. I go and go and go. I don’t mean to overwhelm myself or my body, but it’s instinct to me. It’s very difficult for me to sit and be still.
A couple weeks ago, on a Saturday morning I had just finished feeding my children their breakfast. I sat down to the computer to check my email when all of a sudden I noticed that my heart started to race and then from nowhere at all, I started struggling to breathe.
In that instant I panicked and started to think I was having a heart attack. I found Gabe, and told him to lay his hands on me and pray. My world started spinning and I honestly had no idea if this was going to be the end of my life. In my own mind I started praying, “God, am I ready? Am I truly ready?”
Within the next 10 minutes I was able to remain calm and slowly my heart started to slow and I started to regain my breath. I realized this was probably some form of stress but all I could think about was death.
I ended up pretty much relaxing in my bed for the remainder of the day and over the next few realized that it was an anxiety attack. I found out from my mom that it happened to her around my same age and that it’s actually quite common in young mothers with so many responsibilities.
As encouraging as it was to find out that I was okay and that I will get over this anxiety, I couldn’t stop thinking about my life here on Earth and that it will soon be over.
Does that make sense?
All of a sudden, these goals and ambitions that I’ve had for my life didn’t matter. It seemed so vain with respect to my true purpose in life. It never surprises me that when my head starts spinning with things of God, that he puts the perfect thing I need in front of me at just the right time.
A week after my attack I started the Good Morning Girls summer bible study. For the next 8 weeks, we’re going through a book called anything, by Jennie Allen.
I swear, this could have been me writing this book.
It begins with her talking about how she was raised in the church and to her, God became this plastic God that everyone prayed to and believed in because that’s just what you were supposed to do. She got married, had children, and lived in a home with cute curtains because she was good and that’s what good christians are supposed to do.
I could resonate with so many of her words. Being brought up in a christian home was just that. It was about living up to my parents expectations to be good.
Of course, I wasn’t always good. I strayed in high school and college because although I believed, I needed to find me. I needed to get away from my mom and dad to find who he made me to be.
Finally, at 35, I’m now learning who I am. Who I was made to be. A daughter of Christ totally surrendered to him. Not to anyone else.
Yes, that means giving up my ambitions and my will for His. Not to be good but because I am in love with my God.
I feel him next to me, holding me, keeping me alive, and giving me breath.
This life we are living is short. It’s a vapor. It’s dust. I’ve decided that I’m going to die to myself today so that I can live forever with him in heaven.
Now that is freeing!
One thing I want to promise all of you that may be reading this is that I will never stop writing about God’s love, who he is, and who he is making me to be. I won’t write about my perfect life, because it’s anything but that. I will write about my struggles and strengths that I find in him.
I’ll write about how God is seeking that each and every one of us truly surrenders our lives to him so that one day we can stand before him and hear him say, “Well done, my good and faithful son.”
I love how Jennie Allen reminds us that this world is going down. It’s sinking and we need a lifeboat… NOW! (paraphrased)
I have so many more posts to share and I will. I’ve cut out many of the busy things in my life. Computer time being one of them… (yes… keep me accountable ;), but I’ve also started to become more organized. I have computer time to myself once a week where I can release and let the Holy Spirit work in me to share with you recipes, my family, and how God is working in our lives.
Soon, I plan on sharing that…
Little Mama turned one,
we have new chickies on the homestead,
Gabe built me garden beds in the front yard,
and that there is still much gardening to be done.
Thank you God for your love. Thank you for your mercy and grace. Thank you for not giving up on me.