I’ve been thinking about how I should start this post. If I even want to or if it’s even appropriate to share my personal struggles and raw emotions.
You see writing a blog that thousands of people read every day has become a job. It’s the reason I started a menu plan and why I spend so much time thinking about what kind of topics and recipes I can create that can benefit and help other families. Most of you that I’ve never even met.
Although a job, it’s one that I love and one that I know I’ve been called to. Many of you have written to me through tears how the menu plans have blessed your family or how a topic that I’ve written about touched your heart and spoke to you.
As the blog grows, many people have offered up their advice that I should only share so much of my life. To keep things professional, it’s wise to keep personal matters personal and only share on certain topics.
I wish I could do that. I really do; however, this blog is not mine. I gave it to God and so when struggles arise in my own life I know he wants me to share them. Whether in pain and sorrow, or joy and happiness – He wants me to share it all.
Anxiety
I’m sure if you’ve followed my blog for any length of time, you know I’m a type A person. I go and go and go. I don’t mean to overwhelm myself or my body, but it’s instinct to me. It’s very difficult for me to sit and be still.
A couple weeks ago, on a Saturday morning I had just finished feeding my children their breakfast. I sat down to the computer to check my email when all of a sudden I noticed that my heart started to race and then from nowhere at all, I started struggling to breathe.
In that instant I panicked and started to think I was having a heart attack. I found Gabe, and told him to lay his hands on me and pray. My world started spinning and I honestly had no idea if this was going to be the end of my life. In my own mind I started praying, “God, am I ready? Am I truly ready?”
Within the next 10 minutes I was able to remain calm and slowly my heart started to slow and I started to regain my breath. I realized this was probably some form of stress but all I could think about was death.
I ended up pretty much relaxing in my bed for the remainder of the day and over the next few realized that it was an anxiety attack. I found out from my mom that it happened to her around my same age and that it’s actually quite common in young mothers with so many responsibilities.
As encouraging as it was to find out that I was okay and that I will get over this anxiety, I couldn’t stop thinking about my life here on Earth and that it will soon be over.
Does that make sense?
All of a sudden, these goals and ambitions that I’ve had for my life didn’t matter. It seemed so vain with respect to my true purpose in life. It never surprises me that when my head starts spinning with things of God, that he puts the perfect thing I need in front of me at just the right time.
A week after my attack I started the Good Morning Girls summer bible study. For the next 8 weeks, we’re going through a book called anything, by Jennie Allen.
I swear, this could have been me writing this book.
It begins with her talking about how she was raised in the church and to her, God became this plastic God that everyone prayed to and believed in because that’s just what you were supposed to do. She got married, had children, and lived in a home with cute curtains because she was good and that’s what good christians are supposed to do.
I could resonate with so many of her words. Being brought up in a christian home was just that. It was about living up to my parents expectations to be good.
Of course, I wasn’t always good. I strayed in high school and college because although I believed, I needed to find me. I needed to get away from my mom and dad to find who he made me to be.
Finally, at 35, I’m now learning who I am. Who I was made to be. A daughter of Christ totally surrendered to him. Not to anyone else.
Yes, that means giving up my ambitions and my will for His. Not to be good but because I am in love with my God.
I feel him next to me, holding me, keeping me alive, and giving me breath.
This life we are living is short. It’s a vapor. It’s dust. I’ve decided that I’m going to die to myself today so that I can live forever with him in heaven.
Now that is freeing!
One thing I want to promise all of you that may be reading this is that I will never stop writing about God’s love, who he is, and who he is making me to be. I won’t write about my perfect life, because it’s anything but that. I will write about my struggles and strengths that I find in him.
I’ll write about how God is seeking that each and every one of us truly surrenders our lives to him so that one day we can stand before him and hear him say, “Well done, my good and faithful son.”
I love how Jennie Allen reminds us that this world is going down. It’s sinking and we need a lifeboat… NOW! (paraphrased)
I have so many more posts to share and I will. I’ve cut out many of the busy things in my life. Computer time being one of them… (yes… keep me accountable ;), but I’ve also started to become more organized. I have computer time to myself once a week where I can release and let the Holy Spirit work in me to share with you recipes, my family, and how God is working in our lives.
Soon, I plan on sharing that…
Little Mama turned one,
we have new chickies on the homestead,
Gabe built me garden beds in the front yard,
and that there is still much gardening to be done.
Thank you God for your love. Thank you for your mercy and grace. Thank you for not giving up on me.
Diana,
I value you, your honesty and your transparency! We are in a very similar place in life. I respect your decision to limit computer time. I know that and Interneting on my phone is an issue for me as well and I know I really need to limit it to give God and my husband and children my best! It’s always easier to make commitments and goals when you know someone else is doing the same. Thank you so much for sharing as you do and following what God speaks to you and not what people recommend. I know those people probably only meant well and to be protective of you, but God sees the big picture and His ways are best. He doesn’t always call people to the same things either. So what God asks of you may not be the same for others. The goal is obedience. Well done in godly obedience and not worldly perfection. (:
I love this post and it was beautiful to read. I love reading blogs for the genuineness. I hate when readers comment to bloggers and tell them to not be them, to not share their faith! I hate the political correctness that exists these days and the attempt to wash out this colorful world full of beauty and uniqueness to some drab gray of sameness. I am a Christian, but I read blogs from Jewish bloggers and bloggers of other faiths and bloggers with no faith, I don’t need/want them to keep that separate from their blogs.
I look forward to all your posts! And I especially love the title of this post “dying to live”. This is where we (my husband and I) are in our walks…learning to die to ourselves in order to really live. I ponder faith and God and religion all the time. Lately, I have been battling the issue of grace vs obedience…like how to be obedient/grow in my walk as a Christian, at the same time understanding that it is grace alone that saves me.
Keep writing and keep being you!
Thanks for the encouragement, Angie!
Lovely words of hope. I saw the title and thought of the book – Dying to Live + The Power of Forgiveness by Harold L. Senkbell. My prayers will be with you. You discovered that you had limits; but God knows them and asks of you only what he has gifted you to be. He loves you with an everlasting love. Peace to you in Jesus.
I am overjoyed to hear your decision to keep God & what He’s doing in you in the forefront of your writing!! What a blessing. 🙂 Only when we are obedient to Gods calling can we truly be effective. Praying for you! Love you, sweet friend.
Thanks, Bethany. Love you to!
If only it was so completely clear what and how God sees and plans for our lives to be, then we could clear away all the clutter and fulfill His purpose for us on a daily basis. We humans sure can make life messy and complicated. It reminds me of a quote from the Incredibles but like God saying it instead of Mr. Incredible. “No matter how many times you save the world, it always manages to get back in jeopardy again. Sometimes I just want it to stay saved! You know, for a little bit? I feel like the maid; I just cleaned up this mess! Can we keep it clean for… for ten minutes?” (;
I loved reading this post, and the pictures you posted as well. I wish one thing for you as well – please verify with your doctor that you simply had a panic attack, and that’s all. Over the course of a year, I had 3 or 4 of these attacks, never at the doctors office, only to discover one morning in the ER, that I had supra-ventricular tachycardia. Stress IS a major factor, or can be, and once I was being treated, I have been fine since. But my children, even though in their twenties, have not forgotten seeing the doctors have to shock my heart back into rhythm. Be safe and happy, with God leading the way.
Thanks for the advice, Lisa! I did end up going to get checked out and everything came out a.ok. Praise God!
My sweet amiga! You inspire me to do that same. Just last week I had a small emotional breakdown over my blog and what I should do with it. I also wonder if God really wants me to keep doing it. I think He does, but I need to get back to being transparent in my posts and share more of my life as a missionary, wife and mama. I’ve been meaning to do that, but just never seem to quite know where to start or how to start doing that again.
I like the idea of setting up one or two days a week specifically for me to write. I will talk to Jon and see what he thinks. I feel that I spend too much time on the computer and would like to be more productive and limited with my time. I also need to TURN OFF Facebook and Pinterest… they are SO distracting!
Pray for me and I will pray for you! Love the pictures, your little homestead is looking great! Gabe did a great job building the raise bed gardens… would he be interested in coming out and helping us build ours on the (possible) new property? 🙂
Anyway, hope we can make more time to visit when I come in the fall. I would love to have a heart to heart chat with you!
Thanks for the comment, girl! I’ll definitely be praying for you as well. I know what a struggle it can be. My encouragement to you is to take in every moment with your family and write as the Lord leads. I can’t wait to talk to you in real life! Uh… I wish you were closer!! Miss you!!!
Brave, inherently and intrinsically good, strong, sweet Diana. Honest, true, seeking, caring, believing faith-filled, open Diana.
Thank you for being you. I am another who values your gift of you being yourself on earth-which you beautify with gardening and your own grace and wisdom.
I also really like the pictures you posted to go along with your essay. They were poignant and suited perfectly. They helped me feel the weight of your experience and words. And I always love seeing the kids. Happy birthday to your little girl. I cannot believe it’s been a year already! I love the one shoe on and the other one off, with cute little toes peeking through.
Joan
Thanks, Joan. You made me cry! Thanks for reading and your constant words of encouragement. You are a blessing to me! Huge hugs!!
Be encouraged that there are plenty of us who cherish blog posts that are authentic and spirit-inspired. We don’t have any desire for you to censor yourself. As a Christian woman, I often visit blogs written by people with differing worldviews than I have, and will just skip a post if I don’t think I’ll agree or benefit from it. (Although, more than likely, I read it because I love to try to understand others better even if I don’t agree.) You should be given the same respect.
Keep on keepin’ on, sister.
Thanks, Jocelyn! I appreciate your words!
Thank you for sharing from your heart!
Thank you so much for this post! I have begun a blog myself and have a hard time fighting the desire to put only my “perfect” self out there. I agree that being transparent is a great way to show how God is working in your life and that we are not perfect, but it’s scary to put yourself out there! Kudos to you and keep up the awesome work! It’s inspiring!
Diana,
I can’t even remember how the LORD led me to your blog, but HE did. And then I found out you were a Christian, God is so good. Thank you so much for sharing on a topic that the Bible says we should not do. It says anxiety is not of the LORD and I know this, but I suffer too from anxiety and found myself awake in bed the other night from 12-5am! I truly appreciate you being real. Thank you.
Stephanie, I know. It’s all the stress and I’ve found that with all of what I do in my life, I’ve neglected myself. I’ve started exercising again, eating optimally including upping my magnesium intake and am already feeling much better. It’s been a long three weeks, but I know God is using this for His purpose. I’m definitely starting to see much more than I ever have before. Take care of yourself! If you ever need to chat, let me know!!
This was awesome. I am so thankful that my words are part of what God is using so you know you are not alone. We all are fighting something. I know your words will resonate with so many. Thanks for obeying.
Wow, thanks for stopping by, Jennie! Oh my, you’re words were just what I needed. Thank you for being obedient and giving so many of us the encouragement to live truly for God. God is soo good!!!
Diana,
Gosh, I am so happy tonight to have looked into your blog and your recipes . . .finally getting around to reading your ebook and pleasantly surprised to see that we already cook similarly and your recipes interest me. Yeah!! I just need to get better about planning ahead.I think your meal plans are going to be a great fit for us.
Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you for this post! This life is passing away . . and, if we are not paying attention to the signal graces that the Lord is giving us throughout the day then we are LOST. God Bless you for paying attention, for honoring Him with your blog and for sharing your life with us. That is true charity and true love for souls. 🙂
Looking forward to keeping track of you on your blog. Warmly, Jessica
Hi Diana, I enjoyed your post. Perhaps mostly because I can relate to almost everything you said, the panic attacks etc. I have a love for cooking and baking but I don’t find the time among other things. Lovely pictures. Glad I came across your site 🙂
Hello Diana,
I, too, have had “anxiety attacks”, but I have found the source of my problem to be electromagnetic pollution and microwave energy. Electro-hypersensitivity is actually an emerging illness, and is becoming more prominent due to the overwhelming amount of radiation from devices that we are subjected to constantly. You can read more about it here: http://www.electrosensitivesociety.com/latest-news/. I can be a much calmer parent (no more blood pressure medicine for me!), be more focused, and actually remember things better when I limit my exposure. Just food for thought. <3
Hi Diana,
I too had anxiety and panic attack. I prayed for healing from God as well as medical help. I believe
I need to seek God deeper to find out the root of the attack besides stress. My siblings do not have the problem except me and my mom. I pray that the lord will reveal the root caused of the attack so that I will be set free completely. Glad to read your blog and the tea. Thank you for sharing and God bless!
I am teaching a Sunday school lesson on surrender this week and looked up blog posts on surrender, which is how I came across this post. How I appreciate your wisdom in not only dedicating this blog to God but continuing to give Him the glory through what you post and sharing what He is doing in your life! Yesterday I posted on Facebook that I have been thinking alot about
“how a lack of surrendering and trusting God is really rooted in pride and idolatry. Yuck!! Ultimately, thinking that we can and would handle things in a better way…Lord, please forgive me for those times.” I have been on a journey the last couple of years of surrendering more and more of my life, as God impresses on my heart what I need to yield, and just growing in trusting Him as I’ve become more aware of all of the lies I’ve believed over God’s truths! As we become more aware of how much the truth sets us free, it’s so natural to want to help others to be able to do that, without learning it the hard way! Please keep in mind that as you post articles like this, you are being a light of truth and a blessing!!!
Thank you, Joyce. I appreciate your words!