Life this year has been anything but simple.
I’ve been walking on a rocky path that’s often left me breathless as I’ve dealt with a heavy burden of weight suffocating my inner soul. You may be confused as throughout this year I’ve continued posting recipes and photos of my garden which have flourished and blessed us with a tremendous bounty this year.
I’ve been able to share those types of posts as through my suffering, I’ve never lost my joy. Although I haven’t fall into a depression, I have been dealing with severe anxiety that’s been mostly mental. I’ve feared for my health as I quite literally have breathing problems which I’ve learned initiate in my mind. As I get stressed, I feel a weight compress my upper chest making me feel as though I can’t take in a deep breath. As I reach for more air, it’s made me hyperventilate and commence a cyclical pattern that I’ve been fighting with since this past June.
It seems really silly to write about but it’s been very real to me. I’ve feared of lung cancer, heart problems, and everything in between.
What has kept me veraciously fighting for life, free of fear, has been my husband, my children, and most importantly, my God. Through every struggle I’ve seen this year its made me grow closer to my Savior, my Messiah… Abba. Its made me thirst for his presence, for his touch, for his embrace.
It’s made me search for who he really is.
The one clear thing my God has shown me through this time of suffering is that I’ve been scared of death. I’ve been scared of what comes after this life.
Call it a midlife crisis, but the Lord has used this time to show me that I’ve allowed the enemy into my mind much to often to work against the sacrifice of his son. To work against the fact that Jesus died for me.
If I truly believe that Jesus laid down his life to save me, why should I be afraid of losing mine when I know that a life free of stress, of pain, of suffering awaits me in the presence of my God. I’ve asked myself these questions, and this past week, I cried out to God, “Lord, please send me something that you may show me, clearly show me, that you love me, that you hear me, that you long for me.”
I dried my tears and left it at that, having complete faith that God was going to show me something.
My God is Alive
For the past few months, my husband has been working away from my family. To help me out, my mami has been inviting the children and I for supper every Monday night. Its been an incredible blessing to know that a nourishing meal awaits us that I don’t have to labor over. Its also heart warming that my mami takes it upon herself to bathe my children after supper. I know, she’s pretty great.
This past Monday, as I was nearing my mami’s house, I stopped at a stop sign. Looking in both directions to see if it was my turn to go, I noticed an elderly couple walking hand in hand across the street. The woman had her husbands hand grasped in her own as she walked violently ahead without looking up. The man, much taller than her, kept a tight hold to her hand as he hurriedly followed behind.
In that moment I knew that God was showing me that my life is in his hands and that he’s not done with me yet. He knows the desires of my heart has always been to grow old with my husband. To be that cute little old couple going out to a local cafe each morning to enjoy a warm cup of coffee – Gabe quietly sitting beside me as I make conversation with anyone willing to listen. I know that may sound funny, but I actually dream about this. It’s definitely true when people say I have an old soul.
Seeing this couple, I saw my own life with my husband and knew right away that seeing this was a gift from God. I nearly broke down in tears and thanked my Lord for thinking of me.
Letters of Hope
A couple days after seeing my first gift from God, he answered me again. Late Wednesday afternoon, After finishing a few things up on the computer, I went out to get the mail. As I filtered through the letters, to my surprise, I received a note from a woman at church that wrote me just to let me know that she was thinking of me. It was the sweetest note filled with encouraging words that brought me to my knees. I knew right away that God impressed it onto her heart to bless me and in that simple note I saw a living God. Oh, did I ever pour out my heart and sing praises to my God. It was pretty apparent that this wasn’t just a coincidence but completely God ordained.
Finally, this past Saturday, as I gathered the mail, again, I received a second note from a different woman at church sending me more encouraging words. It was almost like God was telling me, you see, it wasn’t a coincidence, I love you and I’m here. I hear your thoughts, I hear your prayers… I’m here.
I’m still left in amazement at the outpouring of his love. It made my faith and joy reach measures beyond anything I could have ever expected it to.
Really, it’s amazing!
I have so much to share with you that I’ve been holding back for fear of sharing too much… embarrassment, pride. Well, God has clearly shown me that I need to share some of what my family has been through this year so that you can see his glory. It’s not easy but God used it all for good – I’m happy to say that this year of crap is ending on a sweet note. When I reflect on this year, if it wasn’t for some of the suffering we’ve been through, I don’t know how much I would have grown in my relationship with Christ and in my faith in who he is.
So stay tuned, okay 😉 For today, I wanted to encourage you that in your trials and in your suffering, reach out to God. Spend time with him each morning, in his word and in prayer. Then, don’t be afraid to ask him to reveal himself to you. He loves you and wants you to seek him that you may grow into a deep and loving relationship with him.
If you have any questions or prayer requests, feel free to leave them in the comments below. We’re all in this together! Also, has God every answered your prayer? Please share your testimony in the comments below