When I was 10 years old, I used to whip around the cul-de-sac on my pink and white scooter. It wasn’t a sleek Razor like you see kids maneuver on today. No, it had bicycle tires, a brake control on the handle bar, and pegs over the back tire to scoot around on with friends. I used to love to jump on my scooter, early in the morning, and bomb the steepest driveways on my block just to feel the rush of wind blow through my hair. I remember one day riding on that scooter and instead of delighting in the freedom it brought me, my mind was fixated on a bump I had found behind one of my ears. I was a bit fearful to share that I had found this bump with my Mami as I was thinking to myself, “what if it’s cancer?”
Looking back, I’m sure it was an inflamed lymph node, but at 10 years old, I was afraid of illness. That is the first memory I can remember when I began to ponder death and my own mortality.
Since then, I’ve been a bit of a hypochondriac. Do you remember when the bird flu was the trending topic and Brad Pitt released a sensational narrated documentary, circa 2006, that had me completely convinced a pandemic was upon us? Scary! How about the swine flu, SARS, and ebola? Yup, all of those viruses scared me as well.
Even since I’ve started this blog in 2009, I’ve worried myself about our industrial food system, household products, and everything in between that’s been linked to cancer. A lot of these subject matters are great to know about because they can create positive changes in our lifestyle; however, I was fearful.
How It All Began
At 35 years old, I knew there was fear in my life but I didn’t dwell on it. Like most woman in their mid-thirties, my life was busy. I was homeschooling, running this blog, teaching night classes, trying to keep up with a home and homestead, as well as being a wife and mother.
In the midst of all of my doing, I didn’t realize how much I was doing!
What I realize now is that I wasn’t enjoying my life – I was just trying to keep up with it. Gardening had lost its therapeutic value to me, homeschool became a source of stress that just needed to get done, I was losing my temper with those that I love most, and sadly, I didn’t have time for real life relationships.
Physically, I thought I was healthy and keeping up just fine, until Gabe came home with a box full of toys. Gabe lost his job and it was then that I just couldn’t. After several years of burning the candle on both ends, stresses of having been caught in a failing economy, and finally, a husband without a job, my body started to scream for rest.
I had my first panic attack a few months after Gabe lost his job. I now understand that these high stresses in my life accompanied by too much caffeine and lack of rest was the source of my panic attacks; however, it was this new unknown to me that kindled the beginning of an anxiety disorder.
I was already a person prone to fear, and after experiencing what seemed to be a heart attack, that fear manifested itself into a vicious cycle of anxiety. I was no longer dealing with physical stress, but a battle in my mind.
Here’s the thing, a battle in the mind will allow you no rest and the anxiety will continue.
At this point, my anxiety was about my anxiety. In that place, I started to develop physical symptoms. My nervous system was shot and I just couldn’t comprehend what was happening to me. I started to believe that I must have some sort of awful disease and in that place I could no longer plan for the future or rejoice in all the good things that God had given me because my concern was to just make it through the day.
All that I could see, and what I was now fearing the most, is that my children were going to grow up without a mother.
I spent my days dwelling on what was wrong with me. My mind questioned every pain that sparked through my body and since my chest felt so heavy, I literally walked around all day thinking about and monitoring my breath.
Inhale, exhale, inhale, inhale, exhale, “why can’t I take a deep breath?”
I started to question if this was a heart issue, a lung issue or even cancer.
What I learned the hard way is that googling your symptoms is never a good idea.
Let me repeat that – Googling your symptoms is never a good idea!
That alone magnified my fear that some awful terminal illness was upon me. This fear led to more panic attacks.
I felt doomed.
As a believer, this was a hard place to be in. This was the perfect scenario for the enemy to start speaking lies. I started to question my faith, including my belief in Jesus.
If I believed that Jesus died for my sins and that my eternal hope was in Him, why was I so scared of death?
Soon, all I could think about was my own mortality and why I feared death. It became more difficult to look at my own children because I continued to fear that they would grow up without me.
A Slow Recovery
That was me in the trenches of anxiety: in the onset.
Through the years, I’ve had ups and downs as I wrote about in this post. Good times and bad but what has kept me going has been my faith in Jesus to persevere.
Remember that enemy that likes to speak lies? The enemy that wants to tell you that you’re doomed, you don’t really have faith, you just think about yourself, you’re not a good mother, wife, or friend?
He’s a liar.
My perseverance to be well and of sound mind kept me on my knees, in prayer, and in His Word. I meet with my God daily.
I’m still quite embarrassed to share how many trips to the ER I took over the years and how many doctor visits I’ve had. Each with a diagnosis of an anxiety disorder and a prescription for anti-depressants.
Praise God, I have an amazingly supportive husband who walked with me through this journey. He encouraged and empowered me to see that I didn’t need drugs to overcome my anxiety and that with God’s help, we could get through this naturally.
Unfortunately, in our area we don’t have many options for holistic, functional, or integrative doctors. Besides, at the time we were going through financial hardship: the cost for the few integrative doctors in my area was much too high for my family.
Instead of anti-depressants, I logged countless hours in research through book and internet resources and put together a supplement plan for myself. I am so happy to say that after finding an integrative professional to work with me earlier this year, they were quite impressed with the supplement plan I put together for myself. I was very happy to hear that.
As I mentioned in the first post of the Anxiety series, I still run into rough days, but my mind is much clearer now and I’m able to get through the rough days more quickly. In the place that I’m at now, I’m happy to call myself anxiety free as I no longer fear the unknown.
I know who my God is and trust Him with everything that I am. If I start to fear, I step outside and look up. This reminds me that my Hope is in Him and in that state of mind, death has lost its grip on me. I’m not afraid of death.
I know that many people that read this post will want to know what supplements I took to start recovering. I am going to tell you. I promise; however, this has been a journey for me. A 3 year journey that is still not over. The one thing I want you to take to heart is that the root of anxiety is in fear. Until you reach into the depths of your soul to discuss with a loved one or counselor what that fear is, taking supplements, as natural as they may be, is masking the root of the problem.
With that being said, hormonal imbalances, vitamin and mineral deficiencies, can escalate our feelings and make us dwell on things we otherwise wouldn’t have.
So with that in mind, I truly pray that this series will help you reach out to someone and talk about what the root of your anxiety is. Pray to God, get in his Word, and meditate on it day and night.
Believe. Trust. He loves you. He died for you.
Magnesium
Please remember I am not a medical doctor so I will just relay what has helped me.
I will get into supplements in a later post but for those that need some immediate relief, what has given me the greatest relief has been taking magnesium daily. 400mg. Either magnesium citrate or magnesium glycinate. I started by taking Natural Calm (citrate) and I’m now taking Doctor’s Best (glycinate). I will get into more detail with magnesium and other supplements that have helped me in a later post in this series.
*Update, I now make my own homemade magnesium oil that bypasses my digestive system altogether. It’s a simple oil that’s made by boiling 1/2 cup of filtered water. Once it comes to boil, turn the heat off and add 1/2 cup of Ancient Minerals Magnesium Bath Flakes. I let that cool down, place in a glass spray bottle, and spray myself 20-30 pumps per day. 10-15 in the morning and 10-15 right before bed. I spray myself on the legs, arms, and stomach. A recipe post will come soon!
So, this is my testimony: this is my journey. Imperfect progress.
Just a thought have you heard of Hulda Clark? She suggests that Parasites are the root of most diseases. I believe some have said this helps with anxiety also. I am going to try the parasite cleanse to see. Nothing to loose but ……. parasites.
Thanks for sharing your story.
You know, one thing I’ve learned, Rosemary is that it can always be something. There comes a point when you have to just trust in God. I’ve never heard of Hulda Clark, a quick google search has raised some red flags. Just be careful and I’d encourage you to seek out a functional, integrative, or holistic medical practitioner.
Diana,
This has blessed my soul! I have been faced with anxiety off and on since 2007, it hasn’t been to severe, other than off and on far spread out that I have had some experiences with anxiety. My first encounter was in 2007 after my spouse returned from Iraq. He was dealing with his own anxiety also.
I know th eLord dealt with me to let go of some things and forgive, forgive myself and forgive others who hurt me. I have also realized the root issue os fear and worrying over things I can’t change or control and go back and redo in my life. I am now 40, and I have been blessed to have a chance to see a christian counselor down at this church located in my community. It will be FREE!!! I have heard wonderful reports about this woman that will soon be of encouragement to me, I’m sure. I told God if I need a counselor to help me through this journey then I need a free one because my insurance won’t cover such services. I too, am a health conscious soul and I worry about health and feeding my family organic foods. I have recently been suffering for close to 2 years with a back issue and other symptoms that my medical doctor cannot pin point the root cause. THANK YOU for this wonderful reminder we need to trust GOD and fall on our knees and know He has all the answers we need.
I started magnesium also, and boy I sleep a lot better! 🙂
Do you take the magnesium at night?
I love hearing more about what’s been going on behind the scenes with you, Diana. I’m sure this post and the ones that will follow have been stirring in your heart for some time, and I know they will encourage and help many others. Praising God for carrying you through your “wilderness…as a father carries his child…until you reached this place” (Deut 1:31). Hugs to you!
Thank you, Dena. I always love hearing from you!
Diana,
Thank you. Just. Thank you. We’ve emailed before and I have been waiting for this post. May God rip out the root that feeds the fear in all of us and truly plant the seeds of faith.. watered with His Spirit and reap a harvest of strength and courage.
God bless you, Bethany!
Dear Diane, Thank you for posting this. I have been praying and praying for God to heal me/give me answers for the depression and anxiety I suffer from. I cannot believe how many of the same feelings I have experienced. I cried when I read this post because I know the Lord is giving me some answers, He is getting me closer to the healing and for that I am so incredibly grateful. Thank you for being His Vessel! May God Bless You abundantly!!!!
I am glad to hear that you are overcoming…..victory in and thru Jesus is always the sweetest.
I also struggle with anxiety…and I agree that fear is always a central part of it. What I have seen and what I have read is that there is usually an event that was the trigger….something that caused the fear to go to a higher level. I have PTSD and it is a continual step to face and release the fear…..realizing that it was past and it can’t harm me anymore.
Magnesium has been a wonder for me, also….GABA and B12 along with folic acid and Vit D3 have also made huge impacts. B12 and folic depletion is at epidemic proportions in the US and D3 is also raging about as badly…. They are simple inexpensive tests that can reveal your needs. GABA is like magnesium…it calms and soothes….it is actually called the “feel good amino”
Hang tuff….Jesus isn’t thru with us yet! 🙂
Aliyanna
From one who has experienced anxiety/ panic attacks, I understand well what you went through! With the help of God and Joyce Meyer….. The mind is your battlefield and remember to think about what you’re thinking about…..As a man thinks, so he is. God is the original creator of cognitive behavioural therapy. He just asks you to take a single step in faith, then another and another….
A few years back I could not even talk about it for fear of causing an attack, one day I put on Gods full armour of protection and I felt the spirit of fear whoosh out of my mouth and out of my body….sounds weird but it did happen….since then I can speak on this topic and help others.
Good job Humble Kitchen!
Btw, gorgeous pictures, I’d love to paint them!
Thanks so much for this, I will continue to follow and hopefully find my peace and feel better. I have very severe anxiety, SEVERE!! I have been anxious as early as 5 years old I can remember, as I’ve gotten older, had children and experienced a few tragedies over the last 3 1/2 years, it has skyrocketed through the roof. I hate taking medicine, especially since it really only makes the anxiety barely tolerable. I just get through the day. I am ashamed to admit, that I really feel like I just survive every single day until bed. I do not like the person I have become, it has affected very important relationships in my life and affected my children. I don’t know how to have fun and smile very little. I want to be a better person for myself and my family. I like you, do not like to take medicine that just masks the symptoms, I want to get to the root of the anxiety and deal with it head on. Have started counseling a few times with different counselors, and this time I truly feel like I have found the one for ME!!! So, thank you for this, I will try the magnesium, and I am in the process of trying to find a holistic/integrative doctor, but like yourself I live in a very rural area, with very limited resources, and have to drive 2+ hours in any one direction to even start to find good help. Which is discouraging in itself, plus the cost, as NY does not recognize holistic doctors so any services are out of pocket and very expensive. Fingers crossed!! Keep writing as it is very helpful to us, as well as it is for you I’m sure!! God bless!!
This is beautiful Diana! I didn’t have anxiety, but I had irrational, sudden irritation, no trigger. It was after a D&C for an incomplete miscarriage (after 6 healthy births). And I started, like you, on what I could afford until I found and could afford a functional practitioner. I have to drive 2 hours every 6-8 weeks, but he also works by phone and email. I wish I had known so many functional doctors will work long distance with patients!
He found I have estrogen dominance, and after 4 weeks on the supplements, I was a new person! Praise the Lord! But the journey of trusting the Lord for 2 years before finding the Dr taught me so much.
Thank you for sharing!
Diana,
Thank you for sharing your heart and struggle. These posts are a huge blessing and encouragement to me after being a Christian myself and struggling with anxiety. Our stprices are very similar. Praise God for drawing you closer to Himself during this time. May you continue to glorify His name.
Your sister in Christ,
Jenn
I feel like you wrote this about me…every “symptom” I have, I fear the worst. I’m terrified to expand my family because I am so afraid of what could happen during child birth. I spent my entire last pregnancy depressed, fearing certain doom…I had a pain in my leg yesterday and thought it was a blood clot…I am looking forward to your next post, Lord knows I can really use some advice here. In a strange way, it’s comforting to know that I’m not the only Christian who has these struggles. Thanks for sharing this.
HI! I’m a Christian too. because of celiac and stressful CPA job, I found myself in the depths of anxiety. I quit my job and was essentially comatose. This was about 4 years ago. I didn’t leave my apartment for 2 years. I immersed myself in the Bible. Even reading the Bible gave me heart palpitations.i took magnesium and did every health thing I could think of. But since anxiety is “learned” in the brain, it’s hard to overcome. Eventually I did neurofeedback with a local practitioner. It changed my life! The practitioner had said my “brain waves” we’re that of “post traumatic stress” disorder. It worked so well that I can hardly relate to the anxiety feelings I used to have. I took magnesium threonate during the treatments, too. I’ve been working full time again for 2 years. I’ve had a recent stressful event happen which caused me to breakdown a little. But I’m no longer what I was and in no way disfunctional like I used to be.
Thank you for this beautiful and transparent post.
Anxiety is a big problem for me. Prayer and talking positively to myself 🙂 helps a lot.
The enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy…I sometimes forget who I’m really fighting.
Not flesh and blood….but principalities, powers, etc. So often our minds have years of irrational thinking/fears to overcome….the what-ifs, the what-will-they-think syndrome -ugh. It is a terrible bondage. True freedom is what I want! I love so many verses, and try to meditate on them. Casting down imaginations and every high thing….
Thank you, again.
Thank you I suffer from anxiety as well, and am currently on a low dose (25mg) of a daily medication. I also take a Vitamin D supplement daily. I truly appreciate reading how you are recovering (because each day is a better day than the one before). God is sooo good! My husband has been so supportive and understanding; my mom has been a source of comfort and inspiration, and He put my sister-in-law in the right place at the right time. She had suffered as well for years, and laid things out for me in a way I could understand, including getting me to a Christian counselor pronto. Things are MUCh better than they were during the winter, but each day is still a recovery; a step in the right direction.
Hi, Diana! Thank you for sharing your story of recovery process. Two of the “lies” I have believed with anxiety issues are, “You are a Christian. You should not feel anxious!” and “I’m the only one!” It is so good to hear the transparent testimony of others, especially believers! I’ve had an anxiety disorder for almost 40 years and was agoraphobic for 2 years, and unable to drive more than a block or two from home. God has brought me so far, although I still struggle with my driving. One thing that I have struggled with is anger and unforgiveness and know that these contribute to my anxiety. So, I try to keep short accounts. I, too, use magnesium supplement in the form of a lotion and it helps me stay more balanced. I look forward to more of your sharing! The Lord bless and keep you in His hands, Diana. Isaiah 41:10 and Ephesians 3 continue to encourage me greatly in this journey to wholeness.
Diana- I don’t know if you’ve seen this list floating around the internet, but I thought it may be helpful when you write your next post about magnesium. Apparently, many forms of magnesium are high in arsenic! I was so bummed to see my favorite, Calm, got a poor score on the list of magnesiums researched. I’m now taking Pure Encapsulations magnesium instead.
https://labdoor.com/rankings/magnesium
Many blessings to you on your road to recovery!
Thank you for writing this. I am excited and hopeful to read what you have found has worked as I am in the middle of what you describe right now. I literally could have written the exact thing. Your honesty I am sure helps many and I am so happy I stumbled upon your site.
Melia, you’re not alone! I’ll be finishing up this series next month!
Hi, I love this series it is something i have been looking and needing for a while now. Hopefully it is a sign that things are finally about to get better.
Just wondering when will you be releasing the rest of the chapter? I am so eager to read through it. It has given me the hope i have been looking for.
Love your work xx